Blunt Force Trauma

At the bottom of the Empire State Building the body of Evelyn McHale reposes calmly in grotesque bier, her falling body punched into the top of a car.


You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're beautiful, it's true.

The Church of the Perpetually Impecunious VD

The other day I was walking down the High Street on my way to the Blacksmith's:

The Nice Man: "Excuse me Mam, would you like a free Personality Test?"

Me: "Thank you.  Very kind of you, but alas, I have no personality.  I'm boring as fuck."

TNM: "There's no need to be rude."

Me: "You're right there is no need, but it wasn't a question of need, it was more a question of want."

TNM: "What?"

Me: "Never mind.  This is Scientology, right?   And you are a salesman....... ermmmmm.......not-at-all-brainwashed proselytising adherent.  Yes?"

Pointing to the Scientology sign above the store front adjacent to where the two of us stood on the side walk.

TNM: "Ahhhhhh.....Yes?"

Me: "L. Ron Hubbard. Right?"

TNM: "Yes.  You've heard of him?  He is our Founder and Spiritual Guide."

Me: "Heard of him?  Are you mad?  That L. Ron guy changed my life!"

TNM: "That's wonderful."  His eyes lit up.   "How so?  Have you read any of Mr. Hubbard's works?  Did you visit our Website?  Facebook Page?"

Me: "Stalk Tom Cruise's Twitter Feed?   No, but I have been meaning to do all of that for some time now.  It's just I can't seem to find the proper-strength Over-The-Counter anti-emetic that I'll be sure to need.   Know what I mean?"

TNM: "Anti-emetic?"

Me: "Never mind.  About 5 years ago I listened to an old radio interview with Mr. Hubbard.  I happened upon it while researching Excremental Philosophies on the Internet for a seminar at which I was required to present a paper.  The man was well spoken and very insightful.  From this terrific, spell-binding interview, one particular declarative was epiphanous and hit me like a wooden-crate containing 200 kilos worth of unsold Dianetics paperbacks."

TNM: "We don't sell Dianetics.  We give it away for free.  What was it he said that changed your life?"

Me: "Well, and I quote from memory, 'If you want to get rich, start a Religion.'  I took his advice.  A wise man indeed."

TNM: "What?"

Me: "Would you like to come over to my place when you get off work for a free Personality Test and colonic irrigation with 18 molar H₂SO₄?  I have cookies!  Oh, and bring all your cash, and that of your relatives - and any loose change."

TNM: "Irri-what?  What kind of cookies?"

Me: "Oatmeal Raisin, but never mind.  You seem like a nice man, I would like to apologize for my rude words earlier, I've really no legitimate excuse.   I'd've(1) apologized earlier, but I'm cranky today.  You see, while watching television last night, I was browsing through the channels and came upon the FSM channel(2) - which was in the middle of streaming Battlefield Earth in HD.  I inadvertently tossed 'arf a brick at the screen and as a consequence that cluster of Body Thetans surrounding me got a tad perturbed.  It's like the Harrying of the North on my torso today - I'm so itchy.  I really loved that television too.  So I'm a little upset."

TNM: "What?"

Me: "Never mi.... ahhh... forget it.  I must dash now.   I've an initiation ritual for the latest batch of The Congregation For The Fiscal Preservation Of The Divine VD neophytes at the weekend and I still haven't purchased the new branding irons yet. Toodles!"

TNM: "Irons?"

(1) I'd've   I just love that double contraction.  I've no idea about its legitimacy, vis à vis The Queen's English, but I don't care, I love it.  And I just fucking adore adverbs, superlatives and the subjunctive case AND showing my readers, the cream of cunts that they are, how clever I am.

(2) Fucking-Shite-Movie channel.  The hyphens indicate that the compound adjective fucking shit is modifying the noun movie, not the noun channel.

The Channel is only fulfilling its mandate.  I can't fault it.

UPDATE

It has been brought to my attention - by The Tutor, of course - that this missive is only remotely funny, and to discern what little levity there is, requires in the reader a certain level of knowledge concerning the dogma of The Church of Scientology.  Fair enough, he's right, but I pixellate with the express understanding that my readership possesses this level of knowledge and cognition.  If a reader does not and is upset that I do not provide hyper-links for words and phrases I would suspect would require them if I was communicating with readers of that calibre - like as if I would deign to pixellate word-salads for people with that level of cognition and knowledge in the first place - they can fuck off.

Nothing personal.  You understand.

Equal?

The Learned One:  "We are not all the same. Can science and medicine one day grasp this simple concept? It seems unlikely” 

Me:  " Science agrees with you, but, politically, it does not bode well for social harmony if it becomes socially acceptable to differentiate ‘types’ of humans. It’s a slippery slope to the Übermensch and the elimination of those who do not measure up. We all have to pretend we are all equal."

The Learned One:  "Equal is not the same as identical."

Me:  "I agree.  Equal is not the same as identical– and this fact is not lost on the “U” ( as opposed to “non-U”) segment of society. The Papists, of course, would say, "Equal in dignity, not necessarily equal in god’s endowments."  We are all different on the outside but, I have it on good authority we are all very much the same on the inside. This has been amply demonstrated by The Tutor for he has spent years ‘examining’ the insides of all manner of Caucasoids, Mongoloids and Negroids with his penis."

I Fucking Love Her!

If you can't listen to all of it, listen at 3:30 to 5:00, Innit?

On 4 December 2009, Theron co-presented the draw for the 2010 FIFA World cup in Cape Town, South Africa. During rehearsals she drew an Ireland ball instead of France as a joke at the expense of FIFA, referring to Thierry Henry's handball controversy in the play-off match between France and Ireland.  The stunt alarmed FIFA enough for it to fear she might do it again in front of a live global audience.

The cunts should have listened.  The girl is incorrigible.
Innit?

Gen End It you fuckers!

Hell, what can I say?

The Masshole "Bosstown" Sound

In case YOU Tube decides to delete the video - as it is wont to do on occasion, here:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x27oa55_ultimate-spinach-ballad-of-the-hip-death-goddess-1968_music

This is the Poster Child of the Bosstown sound - 4,344 km away from its origins in the Haight of San Francisco.  Ms. Barbara Hudson’s vocals sound more Nico than Grace Slick, but she is neither.