What The Butler Saw

.... I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds

A rather questionable copy of an Arne Jacobson office chair.

Fit For One Who Sits And Cries

Me:  "You were around back then, right?  Weren't you a Warhol Superstar wannabe?"

The Tutor:  "I was?  What of it?"

Me:  "Nothing really.  It's just I was curious if you ever slept with that Christa Päffgen fräulein.  It seems everyone else did."

The Tutor:  "Nothing ever happened between us, VD.  Honest liebchen.
I've told you time and time again, she liked her lovers half-dead - you know, like Lou Reed.
I was much too effervescent for her."


This is, of course, a complete fiction.  That hure was at least two decades older than The Tutor - and he hates Warhol with a passion.  Nevertheless, how could you not love the riveting dread of her fine monotonic tomb-like and raspy vocals in the old classic, All Tomorrow's Parties?  Of certain interest is the revelation that The Tutor - after admiring the song for almost 40 years - only discovered in 2012 that the vocalist was actually female and not a lisping Lou Reed!  Can you believe it?
Me = VD = ALT-F = Pudenda Non Grata




UPDATE

Fuck off.  Go read The Bell Jar you poseur.
The Tutor = Bilious C. Pudenda

Life is Great!

The Tutor:  "It seems I drink as if there is not only no tomorrow, but hardly anything left of today.  Should I be worried?"

Me:  "That line, so reflective of the time-is-of-the-essence school of inebriation, is a thing of beauty, unbridled clarity, and representative of a philosophy I once fully embraced.  Fortunately for my liver, these days I don't partake very often.  Perhaps this new-found restraint explains my current state of nagging optimism which seems to have clouded my general view of mankind and "life" in general."

That Maxine "Poopy-Faced Fascist" Bernier is an arse

https://twitter.com/MaximeBernier/status/1028801989038231552

A twittercritter pronouncement

Nu?

If by the pronoun "us" in the first sentence the Hitler-Youth-diddling arse is referring to all Canadians of voting age and proclivity (henceforth "CVs")(1), then presumably each and every one little, two little, three little CVs can count themselves members of at least one tribe(2), if not more.  Since every single puck-slapping and maple-eating CV is a member of at least one tribe then all CVs, through this tribal affliliation, may avail themselves of the largess of The Right Honorable Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada's(3) extreme multiculturalism and culting diversity and become de facto tribal dependents.  Whether they like it or not, then, all CVs have become political clienteles and are necessarily purchased(4) with much-maligned Taxpayer money!

Wait a minute.......
Is not almost every blessed CV, no matter her, his or their tribal affiliation, also a former, current or future Taxpayer?
Is not almost every former, current or future Taxpayer also a Tribal CV?(5)
Therefore, do not all Canadians benefit from a government so constituted with these proffered special privileges?
I am confused.
Is this arse a secret covert Liberal tout?
'Tis a good thing I can't vote.

The fascist arse need not worry about the idiocy of this pronouncement of his, 'cause as the very famous politician Adolf Hitler from days of yore oft' mused:  "How fortunate it is for Governments that the people do not think."  The in-bred morons who abide this arse's nonsense consider themselves to be The Taxpayers, or 'US'  and the 'Not-at-all-like-us' are the Tribes, or 'THEM' and these Venn sets do not intersect!


NOTES

(1)  And if the arse does not mean to include all Canadians in the use of the pronoun 'us', then, to whom is he referring?  Oh dear!  Could it be?  Dare I say it?  The white folk of northern European descent?  Say it ain't so, Joe.  Say it ain't so!

(2)  From the Latin 'tribus': a cohesive ethnopolitical unit?  Or does the arse really mean to describe a Band(from the Old Norse or Middle French 'band'): a group of people bound or bonded together by a shared egalitarian sociopolitical organisation and belief structure. Either way, the arse betrays a poor understanding of indigenous political practices and the fluid nature of traditional social structures.  You know, it kinda makes sense, him being an elitist and all.  Innit? 

(3)  It doesn't hurt to be polite and refer to the current Prime Minister of Canada by the correct written 'Style of Address'.  This twittercritter arse is rather rude.  Yeah?

(4)  Proud citizens of the frozen wasteland of Soviet Canuckistan cannot be bought, however, they are easily leased.  Most of the lessors also covet any lease-hold improvements freely made available by the lessee through the usual conduit of Canada's major Pharmaceutical companies.

(5)  One could have a wonderful time with a series of Venn diagrams describing the relationships between the various tribes, taxpayers, taxpaying tribals and tribal taxpayers who frequent Canada's fair domain.

Those who find themselves members of all four tribes inhabit the intersection of all four sets which represents the anal sphincter muscle part of the 'looks-like-a-vulva' Venn diagram.  Innit?

Not to mention Burt fucking Bacharach

Carnal Ignorance (1)

The Tutor has the hots for this chick.  She is not available.  

Apparently (2)

So instead, The Tutor will suffice it with:

I loves me the gloves!
Michael Jackson can fuck off, Yeah?


(1)  With apologies to Jack, Art, Ann-Margaret, and Candice.
(2)  She is 1 year younger than The Tutor's father.



Innit?


P.S.  Ha!

Quick Tuna Salad Sandwich Recipe

INGREDIENTS

Produce

Olives – 20 pimento-stuffed about 1.5 cm wide

Dill Pickles – 5 about 8 cm long, 2.5 cm wide 

Carrot – 1 about 15 cm long, 4 cm diameter at wide end

Kale – 100 grammes – leaves only, thick stems removed

Onion – 1 about 8 cm diameter

Garlic – 7 cloves

Tomato – 1 about 10 cm in diameter

Flesh

Tuna – 1 can about 120 grammes net, well drained with compression

Sardines – 1 can about 100 grammes net, well drained

Spices

Pepper – 15 ml fresh-ground black pepper

Wet Goods

Mustard – 60 ml yellow prepared mustard

Mayonnaise – 180 ml

Sriracha Sauce – 30 ml

Caesar Salad Dressing – 30 ml

Dry Goods

Baker’s Bran Hard Red wheat – 15 ml

Golden Flax Seed – 15 ml

Sunflower Seed raw – 5 ml

Pumpkin Seed raw – 5 ml

Sesame Seed – 5 ml

Poppy Seed – 5 ml

Chia Seed – 5 ml

METHOD

Step One

Combine all Dry Goods, mix well and grind for 6 seconds in a quality electric coffee bean grinder.  Place aside in a small bowl.

Step Two

Slice open sardines in the bottom of a very large mixing bowl.  Remove the spines and place on the side of the mixing bowl for separate processing. Mash the sardines with the tines of a fork.  Mash the spine until it becomes a paste. Remove the spinal column ‘thread’ and discard being careful not to remove any of the calcium-rich crushed vertebrae.

Flake the well-drained tuna into the large mixing bowl and stir to mix with the sardine flesh and ‘spine paste’

Step Three

Combine the Dry Goods prepared in Step One with the Flesh prepared in Step Two in that very same large mixing bowl and stir to mix well and put aside.

Step Four

Julienne the Carrot using a vegetable peeler onto a cookie sheet.

Tear the Kale into 5 cm square pieces onto the cookie sheet with the carrots.

Process the Carrot and Kale in a quality manual Food Processor (or chop very, very finely).  Process to a fine dry ‘mulch’ – NOT a wet paste.  Place in the large mixing bowl with the Flesh and Dry Goods and stir to mix.

Step Five

Slice each olive into a minimum of 6 small pieces. Place in the large mixing bowl and stir to mix.

Dice Dill Pickles into 5 mm cubes. Place in the large mixing bowl and stir to mix.

Dice Onion into 2 mm cubes. Place in the large mixing bowl and stir to mix.

Dice Garlic into 2 mm cubes.  Place in the large mixing bowl and stir to mix.

Dice tomato into 5 mm cubes.  Place in the large mixing bowl and stir to mix.

Step Six

Add the Wet Goods and the pepper to all the previously well mixed ingredients in the large mixing bowl and mix/fold until a pasty aggregate consistency is attained.

Step Seven

Make about 8 sandwiches.

Me:  "Query?  How long does this take?"

The Tutor:  "About two and a half hours."

Me:  "Oh Dear.  Slow Food then?

The Original Lyrics?

Get out in the fields

And fight for your meals

And get your back into my living

I don’t need the light

To prove I’m white

I don’t need to be embarrassed

Don’t lie

Don’t raise your eye

‘Cause I gots white man’s privilege

The Young Rostov Girl

I always believed that only Audrey could play Natasha....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7PLRmnFOls

But then I discovered Lyudmila.......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k30OO5_nEWY

This fair, young devotchka is the very essence of Tolstoy's Natasha Rostova.

P.S.  Lyudmila was born in 1942 in Leningrad.  That's right, during the siege.  How romantic is that?

Sesquipedalia Is Awesome!

The Tutor:  "You're a smarmy and sybaritic sylph of sycophantic sluttery VD.  What can I say?"

Me:  "What?"

The Tutor:  "What's the matter?  Do big words frighten you?"

Me:  "Only big, foreign words, I think.  Coming over here, filling up our sentences and keeping our good, honest indigenous words under-employed........."

The Tutor:  "I hate you."

Me:  "I know."

Chicks!

The Tutor likes this:

I like this:

It seems, we both like both,

Innit?

Well, I'm not the world's most physical guy

The Tutor:  "I love this song!"

Me:  "You know they're gayers, right?"

The Tutor:  "No way!  That's vicious Trump propaganda!  Fake news!"

Me:  "Oh dear,  I suppose you also believe Lola by The Kinks is about a hot chick, right?

The Tutor - stunned silence - "ermmm, no?"

Duelling Cunts

The Tutor Sings:
Hurricane ALT F Girl, fucked upon the hill,
Hurricane ALT F Girl, sounding very shrill.
Is she worthy? I don't think so.
Is she thinking? Yes, very slow.
Whatcha doing, ALT F Girl, you cunt?
Hurricane  ALT F Girl, rims a dappled mare,
Hurricane ALT F Girl, semen in her hair.
Is she oozing? Yes, I think so.
Is she horrid? Yes, ever so.
Whatcha doing ALT F Girl, you cunt?
Hurricane  ALT F Gir-rl
Hurricane  ALT F Gir-rl
Hurricane  ALT F Girl
Boop Boop.

The Boop Boop made it kismet doncha think?

I responded:
Mares are female horses, idiot.

The Tutor rejoined with:
Female horses over the age of three actually - unless they are thoroughbreds - then it's four.
And here I thought the restorative act of rimming was, anatomically speaking, gender neutral?
But I defer to you in matters concerning all things equine.
I's such a silly filly.
"Is she thinking? Yes, very slow."
Neigh, whinny and clippity-clop indeed

I further stated:
Your next line involves semen, does it not? Sorry for thinking you had flow, Tennyson.

The Tutor dug his grave deeper with:
Semen, like our love, comes in spurts. It doesn't flow; nor should my poetry.

Someone had blunder'd:
Yours not to make reply,
Yours not to reason why,
Yours but to rim and die:
Unto the sphincter of death
Oozed the dull ALT-F.

Okay!
Okay!
You're right.  In the original tune those two lines are connected in content.
I'll change the lyric to:

"Hurricane ALT F Girl, rims a dappled hare,"

Better now?

I pronounced the coup de grâce:
Yes. I love bunnies!

The Tutored pouted:
I hate you!

I wallowed in victory:
Peel me a grape!


Apologies to Donovan for soiling his masterpiece, "Jennifer Juniper".

Confessional

The Tutor:  My experience with NYC is not that expansive I’m afraid – mostly visits in an employment capacity to that architectural eyesore on the corner of First and East 42nd.  Leslie, the dear woman, has always been my chaperon whenever the two of us find ourselves concurrently in NYC, and by extension, Turtle Bay.  It was she who introduced me to the night life and the various venues where one is less, or more, likely to survive the evening’s festivities.  We Canadians are a frightfully cautious lot and Leslie, braving as she does the hurricanes, sinkholes and murder rate in New Orleans – her home port – and as an Honourary Masshole, is just the ticket.  And she is wicked Ginger arm candy.

My first date with the lovely and talented VD, coincidentally also in NYC, initially transpired much as any date might.  Though it was not really a date, we were, and remain, more ‘Partners in Crime’ than anything else.  At the restaurant, she proceeded to order everything on the menu - I was paying you see.  A tremendous amount of food, and wine arrived at our table.  I was expecting an equine feed bag to arrive as well, at some point.  She consumed all of the food and wine – including half the free bread sticks!  This five-foot-nothing Asian woman-child consumed more at that one sitting than I normally consume in three days!  I could not help but remark, “Goodness, Dr. M., do you eat like this at home?”  To which she responded, between mouthfuls, “No, but then they don’t expect to fuck me after dinner”.

I mean, how could you not just love to bits a woman like that?

She left with her bodyguard in Daddy’s Limo.  I took the subway."

Me:  "That's not how I remember it."

The Tutor:  "How so?"

Me:  "You stuck me with the bill."

The Tutor:  "Right, I remember that now."

Sway me smooth Sway me now

I am the loverly lady in the yellow on Jeanette's right.

More of the Same

Blogger Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...
Okay, I had to engage in a fuck-of-a-lot of research to understand this post and frankly, yawny, yawny, cunt, cunt.
It is not often that I am grateful I am not a Baby Boomer, but this time, I surely am.


Anonymous LC A S said...
In recognition of my talents, I shall deign smooches on your visage ;)


Blogger Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...
Dearest LC A S,

Assuming you are addressing me, and let's be honest who wouldn't be, ask the fair SG what I think about the use of punctuation happy faces in verbiage ostensibly addressed to me.

Please to notice the deliberate misspelling of your name.
Interesting use of the word 'deign' without the preposition 'to'.  I trust this debasement will not be too unpleasant?


Anonymous LC A S said...
Actually, I was addressing my friend SG, who addressed me in the title of his post.

I don't know you, so it would have been rather crass for me to address you in such a manner.

Not to worry. I shall not address you again.


Blogger Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...
Liar!
In fact, not only will you address me again, you will increase the frequency of when you do.  Then, you will begin to attempt to undress me.
As you are a pompous cunt, I reckon I will probably let you.


OpenID xbrudtb.com said...
Did someone forget their meds today?


Blogger Dave C said...
Someone is off her meds today.  And it's not LC.


OpenID xbrudtb.com said...
Dave C, concur.


Blogger Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...
Oh how clever.
I did not forget my medications.  Unlike you cunts, I can write my own scripts.  The problem was a nasty contraindication and 'administration of medication' error - I took a suppository orally.


Anonymous GMLind said...
ALTC - some folks just don't know their place around here.
Your's is in the kitchen, bitch.  Get in their and get back to work and shut that yap that is letting all that moronic drivel spill out of.


OpenID jayinames said...
Sammichs, where are they?


Anonymous Tiberius said...
Oh look.  The aquarian cunt thinks it is people


Blogger Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...
Oh dear.
Before I completely eviscerate the lot of you old white male cunts, I will need Mr. SG's permission.  It is going to be a bloody mess with the debris of shattered old-white-guy egos knee deep.
Do I have your blessing Mr. Soylent?

GMLind dribbled,

".......Your's is in the kitchen, bitch......."

Indeed. I quite like it there. Please to address me properly though; it's fucking bitch you thalidomide stump sucker. Best you get your milquetoast derogations upgraded, 'cause one fuck of a prolapsed and thrush festooned cunt is about to open the Gates of Hell on your sorry sagging arse white boy!

".........and shut that yap that is letting all that moronic drivel spill out of........"

You mean, "and shut that yap out of which all that moronic drivel is spilling"?  You are indeed an unlettered cuntribbit, ain't ya?  Are you not aware that ending a sentence in a preposition is something up with which Sir Winston and I will not put?

Dearest Tiberius. Are you aware that your Roman Emperor namesake had little fishes swim underwater and nibble on his genitals when he was bathing in his pool in his palace on the Isle of Capri? His little fishes were all little boys by the way.

jayinames?
You're a dullard who can't spell. I dismiss you outright.


Blogger Dave C said...
ALTC.

TL;DR


Comment deleted
This comment has been removed by the author.


Blogger Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...
That was me above.  I made far too many errors involving wayward chevrons.  It was best that the comment be removed from the state of human knowledge.

Dave C,

Don't you mean Too Literate; Couldn't Read?

TL;CR

Be honest, you'll feel better.


Blogger Dave C said...
You're saying words but all I'm hearing is, "Memememememememememe"


Blogger Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...
Actually I am pixellating words, there is no audio involved. Accordingly, you are not actually hearing anything either, except perhaps the sound of your scrotum tightening as you re-absorb your testicles like a Sumo wrestler does for protection.
Your cognitively puerile perception of "Me-ad infinitum" is curiously enough, quite correct.

Now dance for me little man.


Blogger Critter said...
Methinks Cuddles is missing her/its nightly dose of 10cc's of Thorazine.


Blogger SG said...
ALTC--You chose...poorly.
LC A S is not a "cunt" in your Brit Twit-argot sense, and certainly not in the Mercan sense.  SHE is Seraphim, merely disguising herself as a machete-wielding, multilingual Mercan mom.
I suspect, but thankfully have not confirmed, that another of her avatars is Kali.


Anonymous Anonymous said...
Wow, all this twat had to do was click the link, make a comment about assuming, and moved on.  LC A S's reference was there in the comment.  But noo....she gets called a liar.
By a spastic idiot who then has the nerve to loose her 3 brain cells to everyone else.  What a maroon.


Blogger Paulie said...
Don't know if I should join this fray, as usually I simply lurk and enjoy the site… but I have to say that I am laughing out loud at ALTC's screeds.

Gotta give credit where credit is due, and I suspect that LC A S would agree.


Anonymous jam2 said...
http://gizmodo.com/5873503/why-we-troll
SG, nice site ya got goin' on!
LC A S, you're the best-


Blogger Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...
Apologies, SG, I mean no disrespect.  Nor do I harbour any malice of intent.  I would direct you and all your readers to the comment above from one Paulie.
Indeed she, as she must be a she, understands my hyperbolic word salads in the way they are ALWAYS intended.
I believe that if I were to append a punctuation happy-face to the terminus of one of my screeds, the meaning(s) of my dross would be apparent to most.  I do not do this because I consider it an insult to the bright folks for whom I pixellate and who comprehend my crap without this most pedestrian of clues.

One last kick at the can, though.....

The brave Anonymous Anonymous above bleated,

"......But noo....she gets called a liar.  By a spastic idiot who then has the nerve to loose her 3 brain cells to everyone else.
What a maroon......."

The exclamatory riposte, "Liar!" to the fair Ms. LC A S's declarative, "Not to worry. I shall not address you again." is a perfect example of how an affix of a punctuation happy-face would have helped others to correctly read my intention.  I would have thought, though, that my comment directly following the "Liar!" comment would have given the bright folks a clue.  As for your assertion of my spastic idiocy, you are only half correct.  I am indeed spastic, grossly so, but an idiot  I think not.  Idiots - those who would score between 0 and 50 on a Standardised IQ test - cannot be taught to read and write.  Now an Imbecile - those who would score between 50 and 70 on a Standardised IQ test - can be taught, with great difficulty, to read and write.  I think that I have successfully demonstrated my ability to both read and write.  I think it only apropos to consider me at least, at a minimum, a high-functioning Imbecile or perhaps even a border-line Moron (those who would score between 70 and 90 on a Standardised IQ test) if you would like to be generous.


Blogger Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...
Oh I forgot,
:) :)
;)

:p

I don't know how to do them!


Anonymous Anonymous said...
Tsk, tsk...my name is Staky...many posting here know me and also know why I wouldn't create an account.  Has nothing to do with courage...so knock it off.  Set that shovel aside, step aside and climb out of that hole.

And scoring way above average on standardized IQ tests...I can say this after socializing with people from all walks of life...you can be "intellectually smart" but a "fill in the blank" idiot.  I've seen many low IQ folks with incredible common sense.  Many people consider idiots people who lack common sense.  This isn't some white paper on IQs, it's a freaking blog post about God-freaking-zilla for goodness sakes!!

I think it is a far conclusion to call your reaction spastic...same as knee jerk reaction or "shoot first, aim later"...it's semantics.  When people socially put their "proverbial" foot in thy mouth, I personally think this is idiocy...kind of along the lines of the term an intellectual idiot.

So may I leave you with a kind suggestions and I will gladly revoke my claim you are an idiot (at least a social one), my I "bravely" suggest you just say you apologize for being a rude "cunt" (using the term you refer to yourself...not one I like to use freely...it makes people bristle in my social circles so I try not to get to comfortable with so it becomes something not part of my regular vocab).  I refrain from any sarcasm, abrasive chatter and other oddities to people who don't know me because it prevents unfortunate circumstances such as this.  I'm quite after people will stop thinking of you as socially retarded.

You may find the group that rallies around LC A S and call her friend appreciate creative invective when used appropriately.  Just saying.

LC Staky BGOR


Blogger Aquarians Love To Cuddle said...

"....it makes people bristle in my social circles so I try not to get to comfortable with so it becomes something not part of my regular vocab....."

You mean "too", right?






Upon sober reflection, I reckon I could have been a tad more yielding and less Non U to the fine LC A S in my riposte to her direct rebuttal to me - especially her penultimate sentence; that was decidedly U.  Then again, my bon mot to her was conditional and my subsequent raillery of, "Liar!" so outrageous only the cognitively impaired, or Yank-fucks/Brit-fucks, would take me to be serious.  Of course I did not know at the time I was beguiling a sister with my proprietary hyperbolically profane coquetry.  She seems also to have recognized my gimmick as just that in her later response to Paulie.  LC A S will "give credit when it is due."  Now that's the spirit!  The subtle derogation of the word salads of yours truly!  I love it!  This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
I am concerned about LC Staky BGOR though, she seems a tad thick.  Freaking sarcasm and freaking satire from someone 'unknown' seems to escape LC Staky BGOR.  Just saying.