Drinks!

  50 cc  Russian vodka
  50 cc  British 'London' gin
120 cc  Tonic water
  20 cc  Lime juice

Stir with someone's penis, no ice.

I call it a:  Kim Philby!

Clever.  Innit?

If you use Plymouth gin, NOT London gin, with a dash of Angostura bitters. 

I call it a:  Guy Burgess!

Cleverer still.  Innit?

Keats

Me:  "Mes tres chers amis de mon coeur, or words to that effect, I have this message for The Tutor, 'You are nowt but an aged scapegrace'."

The Tutor:  "Scapegrace?  Well, let me just say this little Missy: I am sophisticated, soigné, sumptuously attired; rigorously cosmopolitan, regularly un peu distrait, relentlessly loaded, and I am above all things brutally heterosexual.  For instance when a lady calls for my ministrations, regardless of the cause, I rush to her loins.  A broken heart, a bouncing cheque or a circulatory system rife with Butyrophenone can all be eased by my warm and coddling embrace and a working knowledge of oral anti-psychotics.  What price the frightfully jolly old ‘season of mists and mellow fruitfulness’, eh, VD?
‘Tis the time now for new posts.  Innit?  I would oft-times settle down with a steaming pot of Darjeeling and 120 milligrams of Pyridostigmine Bromide(1), the better to enjoy the reports of your rustic, rural rambles.  Any chance of re-running at least your greatest works, with a dedication to our dear friend Griselda - The Fucking Scorpio?  It will remind us of happier times, before Blogger fell to the juggernaut of Facebook and bang went the neighbourhood."

A copse of Elder leaves about your Fascinator to keep the flies at bay.

(1)   Pyridostigmine to off-label treat POTS

The Cunt-cation

The wonderfully honest Travel Industry has coined many variants of the word Vacation in order to accommodate the disparate reasons why folks might want a specialised itinerary when on holiday.
For instance;
A Graycation is a package designed with the elderly traveller in mind.  A vacationer content with an all inclusive tour package where nothing is left to chance and all the activities are pre-planned and designed to suit an older, slower lifestyle.
A Raycation would be a package designed with the hedonistic sun-worshiper in mind.   Beaches, tanning-beds, lounge chairs and endless sunshine; you get the picture.
The Straycation was developed to accommodate the less-than-faithful folks who wish to, if not break at least bend, their vows.  These packages allow the fidelity-challenged and randy singles and couples to partake of pleasant diversions with strangers outside the traditional relationship(s) they might have back home.
The Gaycation is a special subset of vacation experience for a specific demographic.  Packages include resorts and itineraries that are homosexual and/or lesbian friendly or themed. A big hit.
That Siberian Soya-based twat, Griselda, - the 'Boadicea of Dupont Circle' - travels twice a year on Braycation with her pet donkey - the filthy, bestial cunt!
And that rather dyslexic cunt: The Tutor, thinking he was registering for a Viking-themed Slaycation in ever-so pregnable Lindisfarne, inadvertently signed up for a Danegeld-themed Spaycation in Skegness instead.  As a result, he is now a little light in the loafers.

Ha!  Danegeld - Spaycation - get it?

The Scrying Cunt

Some girls tell me that when they are with a man they use them for ecstasy.  I cannot comment on that, but what I can say is that using men for extispicy is not without its Cassandral benefits. 

Mea Maxima Culpa

It appears I have inadvertently tweaked the clitoris of the resident Alpha female; who, as we speak, is attempting to re-assert her dominance.  The non-denouncing of me by the Alpha male has forced her to hang about.  It seems I am considered a rival.
Nonsense, of course, but heh, de-feminised Yankee wimmen know no other way; so indoctrinated by the horrid Yankee Patriarchy as they are.(1)
I am not a threat Ms. Alpha female.
NOT AT ALL!
I am utterly besotted by that antipodean Kiwi cunt.  I mean, would  the otherwise awesome, and eminently effable, Alpha perform an exquisite Haka before ravaging his intended?
I think not.
And let's face it girls, nowt, and I mean NOWT, naturally lubricates the organs of matrimonial necessity quite like a Ka Mate Haka!
Thy tongue deviseth mischiefs; (Psalms 52:2, KJV)

As much as I enjoy yins and this Internet cloaca of yours, Alpha, I fear your toadies are too vociferous in their dullardic(2) protestations of my presence to render any further visits of yours truly comfortably tenable.  If only they possessed the matrix and efficacy of a delightful nuero-synaptic transmission network such as do we.  Unclouded as it must be by ego and that horrid clique/tribe/pack mentality they's all has in your wank-circle.


(1) Having been born into the Ruling Class of a decidedly non-Western Matriarchal culture in the country formerly known as Burma, I know of what I speak.  Did you know that in my native tongue, we do not have a word for Feminism?  We do have, as you might surmise, a word for Masculinism.
Funny that.
Despite the totalitarian nature of our socio-economic political system, we's quite enlightened; we even tolerate Masculinazi writers.
I mean we haven't burned all the copies of our most infamous Masulinazi pop-up books.
The Male Eunuch, The Masculine Mystique and even The Penis Monologues can all be had after presentation of the right paperwork.  We've even managed to convince our males to cherish their virginity and adopt its concept as something which they should be proud to maintain - at least until they are sold into indentured servitude by their mothers that is.
Can you believe it?

(2) My neologism.  It certainly isn't listed in the OED.

The Vulvanator!

Bites back, more like!

Innit?

I now know what my costume will be for the soon-to-be upcoming First Annual Fancy Dress Debauched Bacchanal.  Last year I wore nowt but a white camisole upon which was written in multiple instances the words, Ego, Id and Superego in black cursive script.

Get it?

Gibberish

Sterculian Rhetoric 13 December 2015 at 15:31

I imagine the above toadying dullards had to research the word, among countless others no doubt, 'quixotically'.

Kwix

or

Key?

Innit?

And I too can employ baseball metaphors: "A very thought provoking and entertaining article from right field thank you." Unfortunately, even in the interests of mocking the less intellectually endowed, I cannot bring myself to use punctuation happy faces. Apologies.

Speaking of Quixote, The Tutor wrote some pretty poetry for me, entitled Erotica Dulcinea. I found it quite humourous, but The Tutor maintains that women by the score cannot wait to drop their drawers for him when he reads it to them. Go figure. White women! Meh!

http://sterculianrhetoric.blogspot.ca/2007/07/erotica-dulcinea.html

Person #1 14 December 2015 at 03:53

Actually, sweet child, I didn't need to research - and I'm sure Kath didn't either. You do very well (for one so young) in using big grown-up words - and giving the impression that you understand them. No mean achievement for a youngster!

There is however, more to being a polemicist (I suggest you Google it) than stamping your little foot, metaphorically sticking your tongue out at the grown-ups, and generally shouting "Hey! Everybody! Lookit me! Lookit me!".

Nevertheless, a promising - if somewhat unsophisticated - start.

Sterculian Rhetoric 14 December 2015 at 04:18

"......There is however, more to being a polemicist.........."

You're telling me! I thought it would be easy to do, but on my first attempt at the Hercules(No Handed Chopper) move, I slipped and got rug burn on the old Mons Veneris.

I don't deal in metaphor. I live in simile. Like for instance, my Performance Art Sheela Na Gig gets all the attention from grown-ups I can possibly stand.

Person #1 14 December 2015 at 05:17

Perhaps they (the grown-ups, that is) are wondering if you were placed above a door or a window, you would successfully ward off evil spirits.

If you could, you could be invaluable in the weeks prior to an election...

Sterculian Rhetoric 14 December 2015 at 11:08

Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above a chamber door?

Perched? Alas! A fucking bore.

Quoth the VD, "Nevermore."

Person # 2 15 December 2015 at 09:06

SR is, by her own admission, an Asian woman. Could be young, could be old, there's no telling from her English-as-a-foreign-language gibberings, facile and pointless as they are. She also calls herself VD, which, with unconcious irony is not referring to a disease, but a toothed vagina.

Unfortunately like so many trolls, her witterings are turning up on lots of good sites, which are not improved by the comments she expresses.

Please go away and grow up, or grow old, learn proper English and then attempt to make intelligent comments which add to the points under discussion, rather than debasing them. Thank you.

Sterculian Rhetoric 15 December 2015 at 10:18

I also call myself:

Aquarians Love To Fuck - ALT-F

and

Pudenda Non Grata - PNG

Do you, Ed P have the authority to make this request of me on the blog of another? And even if that Saxon cunt were to grant you such, why would I have to both go away AND grow up, or grow old? I should think simply going away would suit your sensitivities, why would you care what happens next?

And would you be so kind as to enlighten me regarding how it is, exactly, I am not rendering the Queen's English properly?

Now as far as my witterings(sic) are concerned, you are indeed quite correct, they are both pointless and facile. Regarding these 'lots of good sites' upon which I am reputed to be 'turning up', I can imagine how the content of the comments I express would not 'improve' them, but am I meant to?

Query?

This sentence fragment of yours,

"......her witterings(sic) are turning up on lots of good sites...."

Is this an example of proper English you request that I should learn? Since when has a phrasal verb, 'turning up' been considered proper English(1)? And wouldn't the phrase 'lots of good sites' be more properly formatted as, 'many good sites'? Is the word 'witterings' actually a word? It does not appear in my OED. Perhaps it is a vulgar vernacular heard only within earshot of Bow Bells? Informal dialect? Argot reflective of your Class?

I would like to take the liberty to rewrite your sentence fragment.

To wit:

.......her vile word salads are appearing on many good sites....

Reads much better, Innit?

And as for the 'troll' epithet?

What do Ibsen, Grieg and Gynt have to do with anything?

I do not troll, my voice is terrible. I do not trawl either, at least not here or at the fine establishment of one, Dioclese. Both of these cunts have known me for two or more years. At what point do I cease becoming a Trawl and become one in the 'Community'?

(1) In fact, it is a phrasal verb which ends in a preposition. Now we all know that ending a sentence, or anything for that matter, in a preposition is something up with which Sir Winston and I will not put. Innit?

Don't fuck with me little man, I'll eviscerate you. Ask Saxon about that which I am capable.

Sterculian Rhetoric 15 December 2015 at 10:57

Please to notice I did not 're-arsehole you with a claw hammer' as Dioclese would say regarding your curious spelling of the word 'unconscious' and your use of the wonderfully creative neologism 'gibberings'. Regarding the latter, I am aware how one can change a verb (gibber) into a noun by the addition of the suffix '-ing' (gibbering). In this particular case, I am not altogether sure you can now pluralize this resultant noun with the further suffixing of an 's'. Or is the word, gibberings to be treated now as a noun which takes a singular agreement like the words 'checkers' or 'billiards'? Has the suffixing of the 's' to the noun 'gibbering' lost its plural connotation altogether and is now to be understood like the words, 'preggers' or 'starkers' or 'bonkers'?

I would like some help on this from you, an obvious native speaker of The Queen's English.

Innit?

How Many Miles High?

You choose!

कर्म संसार

The Tutor oft' relates stories of his childhood - it's an interesting window into the early years of a now mature psychopath.
His latest......

"When I was in the first grade, when we had a test or some such, we were required to print our first name on the top of the test paper when we had finished the test.  Now me, being the precocious little twerp that I was/am, decided to 'write' my name - in cursive script - instead of 'print' it.  My father taught me how to write my name a few days earlier.  I was quite proud of myself.  No one else in the class could 'write' their names.  At least not to my knowledge.  The papers were collected and I thought nothing more of it.
The very next day I was called to the teacher's desk at the end of class and severely berated for having 'written' my name instead of 'printing' it.  I was not supposed to know how to write cursive script - I had not been 'officially' taught how to do it yet.  For all future tests and 'work', I was instructed to 'print' my name only.

I swear I was just a normal kid prior to that dressing-down.  I suspect this was when the seeds of 'hate' were planted and began to grow.
And grow well they did!

Twenty or so years later.........

In the middle of a particularly gruelling 24 hour shift in Emerge at the local Health Care Warehouse, a 50-ish woman presented and was admitted with what looked to be a moderate stroke (CVA) - scoring perhaps '10' on the NIH Stroke Scale.
Right-side spastic hemiparasis with pronounced limb ataxia was quite evident.
I recognised her, but she did not recognise me.
It was my vile first grade teacher!
Ha!
Payback!
Through a cunning series of Hippocratic-Oath-violating actions, utterly non-traceable to your's truly of course, I 'patched' her up.  She was eventually discharged two days later - sans the ability to use her right hand to write - or print!

Ten or so yeas later.......

I heard that she still couldn't write with her right hand and had not learned to use her left - and she drooled a lot.

Six or so years later.......

She died."

The morale of the story?  If you happen to go back in time, don't fuck with the young Tutor.



कर्म  संसार  =  Karmic Saṃsāra

Birthers!

According to some, one of these two statesmen was not born in the USA

Please pray for His Majesty The King Rama IX

Great Shit!

By popular request I proffer the following;

And....................

And, of course...........

I'm a girl, okay?  Give me a break.

Oliver Wendell Douglas

Some obviously young Yankee snotter on The New Yorker website has taken it upon himself to compare and contrast the films, The Longest Day (1962) and Saving Private Ryan (not 1962).
Typically, The Longest Day does not fare as well as The Tutor thought it should.  I read the Yankee's piece, and I thought it was well balanced.
I do, however, agree with The Tutor's comment regarding the Yankee's interpretation of the beach scene between Robert Mitchum and Eddie Albert.

The Yankee writes,
"......the American officers are plainspoken(sic) and casual; they wear comfortable, ugly uniforms.
Their judgement is virtually flawless and always aggressive. (The one officer who advises retreat amid the slaughter on Omaha Beach, played by Eddie Albert, quickly dies.)  In the field, they change plans, improvise, go for broke......"

The Tutor's comment,
"I am not so sure of this interpretation.  Reviewing the scene, Eddie Albert quickly smiles when he is told by Robert Mitchum that there will be no retreat.
I reckon Mr. Albert's entreaties for retreat to Mr. Mitchum were rhetorical and meant by him (Mr. Albert) to be refused by Mr. Mitchum's character - and he was obviously happy they were.  Eddie was a true fightin' man!  His subsequent death was not punishment for not being aggresive enough, au contraire, it was but (a) foreshadowing of his impending professional demise.
He will, a few years later, be married to a Gabor sister and be constantly upstaged by Arnold Ziffel"

The Tutor is funny.  Innit?

Why would he kill me? Bullets cost money!

I just watched "The Magnificent Seven - 2016".
Well, It has Denzel, which is cool, but alas, it doesn't have:
Yul Brynner
Steve McQueen
Charles Bronson
Eli Wallach
Horst Bucholz
Napoleon Solo
and
James Coburn(1)

And it certainly doesn't have:

By the way, James is one of the three who escape in The Great Escape.  Now if some fucker like Antoine Fuqua for instance,  decides to remake that film, well there will be blood my friend, lots and lots of vile Yankee blood.

Innit?

I Want To Break Free

Mission control in Darmstadt, Germany, was able to confirm the impact had occurred at 11:19 GMT (12:19 BST; 13:19 CEST),when radio contact to the ageing spacecraft was lost abruptly.

The assumption is that the probe would have been damaged beyond use.

Of course, Rosetta was listening to Queen, so it weren't too bad.

When Rosetta hit 67P, I cried.

Unrealised Expectations

Me:  "Before we met I would think of you as a Roman-nosed, elegantly coiffed, Caucasoid god, pawing through your naugahyde bound library of classics whilst disdainfully inhaling a plash of Douro Valley port imprisoned in an immense Orreffors crystal snifter. I supposed you could also, if the occasion required, lift your leg over your shoulder and lick your own testicles - easily."

The Tutor:  "Before we met, I envisioned you delicately sniffing the portofino cuff of your 2,000 dollar silk bishop-sleeved  poet blouse for the scent of the 3,000 dollar perfume you apply to mask the horrid pong of having to actually write to the likes of me."


"We must not let in daylight upon magic" 
~Walter Bagehot

Hampshire Sun or Yorkshire Gloom?

Jane Austen: fortitude, witty repartee, white muslin gowns, walks in the country, comic situations, amiable suitors, handsome gentlemen and ladies.

Charlotte, Emily and Anne Brontë: dark halls, childhood torments, unholy clergymen, madmen, passion, storms.

The Brontë sisters construct action, based on the profound and primitive energies of passion, love and hate.  At once highly imaginative with elements of brutality in the characters and resplendent of the stormy Yorkshire moors.

As Emily relates, "One may guess the power of the north wind blowing over the edge, by the excessive slant of a few stunted firs at the end of the house; and by a range of gaunt thorns all stretching their limbs one way, as if craving alms of the sun."

Charlotte writes to William Smith Williams on the 12th of April, 1850:

"She (Jane Austen) does her business of delineating people seriously well; there is a Chinese fidelity , a miniature delicacy in the painting: she ruffles her reader by nothing vehement, disturbs him by nothing profound: the Passions are perfectly unknown to her; she rejects even a speaking acquaintance with that stormy Sisterhood; even to the Feelings she vouchsafes no more than an occasionally graceful but distant recognition; too frequent converse with them would ruffle the smooth elegance of her progress.  Her business is not half so much with the human heart as with the human eyes, mouth, hands and feet; what sees keenly, speaks aptly, moves flexibly, it suits her to study, but what throbs fast and full, though hidden, what the blood rushes through, what is the unseen seat of Life and the sentient target of Death - this Miss Austen ignores; she no more, with her mind’s eye, beholds the heart of her race than each man, with bodily vision sees the heart in his heaving breast.  Jane Austen was a complete and most sensible lady, but a very incomplete, and rather insensible (not senseless) woman; if this is heresy- I cannot help it.  If I said it to some people (Lewes for instance) they would directly accuse me of advocating exaggerated heroics, but I am not afraid of your falling into any such vulgar error."

Oh dear, a tad harsh Charlotte.  So you don't like her then?  I would very much enjoy a trip in a Time Machine wherein I bring the fairly maligned Jane to meet angsty Charlotte armed with the coruscating invective of a wonderful paraphrasing of Catullus, Carmina 16:

Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo(1),

Aureli pathice et cinaede Furi,...

..........male me marem putatis?

pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo.

Though knowing Jane and Charlotte as I think I do; coupled with the fact that both are daughters of Clergymen, I reckon Matthew 5:44 would be the preferred riposte:

ἐγὼ δὲ λέγω ὑμῖν, ἀγαπᾶτε τοὺς ἐχθροὺς ὑμῶν καὶ προσεύχεσθε ὑπὲρ τῶν διωκόντων ὑμᾶς,

I suspect it isn't difficult to imagine which of the four; Jane, Charlotte, Emily and Anne, The Tutor would wish to 'entertain' in spite of all this.(2)

I recommend an Austen/Brontë Fight Club, “Texas Death Match” Tag-Team edition between our heroes Darcy and Rochester – united in brotherhood for this one occasion – versus Waugh’s “Brideshead Revisited”, Lord Sebastian Flyte and Wilde’s “An Ideal Husband”, Lord Arthur Goring (Or perhaps Trollope’s “The Way We Live Now”, Sir Felix Carbury)?  With Dicken’s “Great Expectations”, Philip Pirrip as the ring announcer and Miss Havisham as the bikini-clad damsel who regularly sashays through the ring displaying a card upon which is written the round number?



(1)  There is extant on the Internet a Yankee scholar's translation of 'irrumabo' as "Clintonize".
I thought that quite funny.


(2)  The Tutor ripostes:  "Jane is butt-ugly, so are the rest.  I prefer Maria, the eldest of the Brontë sisters."  To which I interject with horror:  "Maria died of consumption at age 12!  Are you channeling that vile Nabokovian scum, Charles Lutwidge Dodgson and his beloved Alice Liddel, again?"
The Tutor whimpers,  "Maybe."

Oppa Pudendam Style

It appears Lilibeth was either the diversion he as the psychopath he is, needed; or the diversion he as the psychopath he is, deserved.
Either way, the man is sated for the time being.

Following, as he normally would, the legal concept of 'res nullius' - since this fallen seraph was not at the moment the object of rights of any other specific subject - he availed himself of her charms.  He even went so far as to invoke 'terra nullius' on specific parts of her ample anatomy.  Though there may have been many 'indigenous' gentleman callers 'residing' in this newly discovered 'land', it is the well respected legal right of the more civilized interloping gentleman caller to 'take' this 'land' and put it to good use.

He ate, drank and performed well.  And the fair, fey and fay Griselda will, without doubt, never be loved like that again.  Here's hoping?  Nevertheless and notwithstanding, better her than me.

He regaled the rich, curvaceously fleshy cherub, as he is often wont to do, with his readily evident and sublimely resplendent, ‘Dress Classy, Fook Klassy and Despoil Lassie' aesthetic.

His “Pudendam Style” is known far afield and its essence is not only well reflected in the laudatory folkloric narratives found among those who were unluckily anointed with it, but it also forms the basis of the expansive and grisly detail one finds in the intricately conjectured cautionary tales of those who were luckily eschewed.


The Tutor:  "See this Man Purse and matching Carry-On?  They're Hermes 'Caleche-express' valises. A '12h Document Holder' - CA $7,095.00 and a matching 'Petite Cabine Suitcase' - CA $7,425.00.  I believe that travelling, like all things, is just another opportunity to strike a pose.  After all what better way to commemorate time spent out-of-town, be it for vacation or because of an intractable psychopathic compulsion, than with fabulous Pudendam Style?  My on-the-go accessories are constitutive of my essence and must always be on-point(1).  All that remains is to pack these luxurious travel companions with equally dapper ensembles.
Do you know where I got the money for them?"

Me:  "Where?"

The Tutor:  "Man-whoring!  Did you see my new Tesla Roadster?  Do you know where I got the money for it?"

Me:  "Man-whoring?"

The Tutor:  "Stock Market, but I got the money for the Stock Market from man-whoring."

Me:  "You're gay."

The Tutor:  "So jealz!  You know what I'm sayin', Oppa is Pudendam style!  Eh! Sexy Lady, Oppa is Pudendam style!"



(1)  Some would have this phrase spelt, "en pointe".  I, personally, have always found the use of Ballet metaphor to be pointeless



UPDATE
The included photographs are, of course, an artist's impression of Lilibeth Griselda in Dupont.  Although quite an accurate representation, after two and a half decades of wielding such weaponry, the armaments have suffered a slight inconvenience of gravity to be sure.

Phuc you Facebook!

My spies tell me, Mr. Zuckerberg, that you have banned these photographs from your hallowed site.
Ha!
Let's see you stride naked with dignity and your head held high after you experience a gratuitous Napalm issue.

No?

Thought not.

It's 'cause your wife's Asian, yes?  Well I'm a delicate Asian flower too and it don't much offend me.  And to think, I heretofore believed your lucky Zhongguo nu hai to have married well.  I think not now.

Cunt.

P.S.
I'm a Miandian nu hai.  The Missus will know.

Mach Two

The Luftwaffe lost nearly 300 of  its complement of 1,000 Starfighters (282 crashes and 115 German pilots killed in non-combat missions).  Erich Alfred Hartmann considered the F-104 a fundamentally flawed and unsafe aircraft and strongly opposed its adoption by the Luftwaffe.  He was correct. I figger!

Yankee Scholarship?

It was 47 years ago today.  Requiescat In Pace, Sharon Marie Tate