Mixing Up and Switching Out

Efren Zimbalist, A loyal reader, writes:

Clever doesn't equal funny.  This post was like reading Ikea instructions.


".....Clever doesn't equal funny......."

Nor does it equal art - are you listening Damien Hirst?
Clever, however, can be quite funny if through its effective use cognitive dissonance is generated and/or the reader is possessed of the disparate knowledge necessary to make not-so-immediate connections, which are in turn used to reveal truths.  For instance, the English humour magazine Punch published a cartoon of the English general Sir Charles Napier, the conqueror of Scinde(present day Sindh Province, Pakistan), at the moment of his victory with the caption, Peccavi.  Very clever and very funny.  And as for sarcasm and humour, just because you do not perceive them does not mean they are not present.  We all have embarrassing cognitive impairments.  And for some of us, our impairment is not consciously perceived.

"......This post was like reading Ikea instructions......."

You actually read IKEA instructions?  The BESTÅ BOÅS TV Storage Unit has 27 pages of assembly instructions which do not contain a single word - in any language.  Nowt but line drawings of the various parts - many of which are missing - and Caucasoid anthropoids - always including a female to confirm how easy the assembly can be.  Never any words!
Unfortunately, I have never had the pleasure of purchasing IKEA product, but I do believe my awesome spatial skillz would serve me well.  I've witnessed how IKEA assembly can drive folks Knutsorp.
Yes. I know. I am clever, very clever, but not actually funny.
It's an albatross I must bear.


Um, how about view IKEA instructions?


I'll accept that.
Rats!
I was hoping one of you lot would respond to my obvious fuck-up of the quaint English idiom, "A cross I must bear".  I had a wonderfully clever riposte - in Rime even!

Ah! well a-day! what evil looks
Had I from old and young!
Instead of the cross, the albatross
About my neck was hung

God save thee, Efren Zimbalist
From the fiends, that plague thee thus
Why look'st thou foul ? - With my bat-cowl
I fucked the ALBATROSS.

Astronomically funny to those familiar with me, Coleridge and "The Rime".


Well thanks for the inclusion in the poem.  I'm okay with mixing up cliche's and metaphors so you switching out cross for albatross worked well for me.  I think you might dig William S Burroughs if you haven't already read anything by him that is.


"..........I'm okay with mixing up cliche's and metaphors so you switching out cross for albatross worked well for me........"

This is commendable.  I am not, however, "okay" with having to read phrasal verbs like, mixing up; switching out.
How's about addling or befuddling for the former and transposing or exchanging for the latter?  The Queen's is a beautiful thing.  It saddens me to witness native speakers really fuck it up.
William S Burroughs?
You mean the infamous William S. Edgar Rice Burroughs, right?  The author of "Tarzan's Naked Lunch"?
And I quote:

"Jane?  Although I am an extreme example of the archetypal feral child, noble savage and white messiah figure - largely unburdened with character flaws or faults - Tarzan still want more Mugwump jism."


Something like that.


I don't think you're trying.  Is it because I'm Asian and female?  If so, I'll understand.
See the side bar to the right.  I's the seedy, sordid and vexatiously untoward demimondaine in red.  I am reasonably certain you are quite capable of the calibre of coruscating invective that I have grown to cherish and love in my intercourse with The Caucasoid.  Must I beg?

The Isle of Cunt

Okay, now listen!

It's bad enough this blog attracts visitors from Kenya, Cyprus and the USA, but I've just been informed by The Tutor there's been a Manxman skulking about.
A fucking Manxman!

Twice!

Take that testicular agenetic Triskelion and that inane motto of yours, Quocunque Jeceris Stabit, and fuck off!  And take those caudal agenetic cats and those freakish corniculate polygenetic Loaghtan sheep with you too!
They're as fuct as those tree-climbing goats they have in Morocco!



UPDATE
And there have been fuckers from Gibraltar and the United Arab Emirates here of late too!  I beseech you in the bowels of the divinity of your choice to leave me be. 

Blind Turk Covers Finnish Polka

Docha just wanna Dance?

 P.S.  Cats should not react to Finnish Polkas, it's just unseemly.

Arthur Christopher Orme Plummer was born in the same city as The Tutor - a few years earlier, mind.  It is unlikely The Tutor will expire in Connecticut though.

The Tutor was hoping not to be alive when this happened.

O Captain! My Captain!

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,

The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;

                         But O heart! heart! heart!

                            O the bleeding drops of red,

                               Where on the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;

Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,

For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,

For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

                         Here Captain! dear father!

                            This arm beneath your head!

                               It is some dream that on the deck,

                                 You’ve fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,

My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,

The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,

From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;

                         Exult O shores, and ring O bells!

                            But I with mournful tread,

                               Walk the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

Applying a Shear Force

Me:  "Nu?  You're gender-fluid now?"

The Tutor: "It's non-Newtonian though."

An Icon For All Seasons

 

Putting on the Trump

Stop The Steal!

 

Grammer Lessin # 45

The Collective Noun

A collective noun is a word or phrase that refers to a group of people or things as one entity.

Collective nouns represent more than one person or thing in a class.

Examples of common collective nouns used for animals: 

           A flock of birds.

           A pod of whales.

           A herd of deer.

           A hive of bees.

           A litter of puppies.

           A murder of crows.

           A pack of hounds.

           A deplorable of Trumpers

In the not-too-distant future when The Tutor and I end up in Hell (1), either by arriving separately or as a couple, we have agreed on what we will do first:

We'll seek out these three cunts:

Captain Susumi Hoshijima

Lieutenant-Colonel Tatsuji Suga

Lieutenant General Masao Baba

We'll no doubt have to wait for an eternity in a very long queue of Anzacs, but it will be worth it to kick these fuckers in their very small Asian testicles.

(1)  Probably as a result of a hastily arranged and surreptitious murder/suicide pact.

UPDATE

"In the above note (1), you can dispense with the word 'probably' my little manslayer, you're fooling no one."

The Tutor

Oh Dear

 

"All vaccinations recognised as clinically safe and effective can be used in good conscience with the certain knowledge that the use of such vaccines does not constitute formal co-operation with the abortion from which the cells used in production of the vaccines derive," the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith announced in a statement on Monday.

Dogma is all well and good, until it becomes rather inconvenient.

White People?

 I have heretofore believed white folk just don't do good music.

Then I found this:

And I also believed white folk just can't dance - then I found this:

Fuck me!  Even The Tutor can't do this!  Unless of course he starts to St. Vitus dance while taking valproic acid.  Innit?

 

 

À la recherche de la vie folle perdu

https://www.youtube.com/embed/78rkVAHuLTU

The Tutor just loves Ricky!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p47fEXGabaY

P.S.  Using Google Translate, translate the title of this post into Spanish. Then into English

Sad Times Indeed

I reckon the first thing Diego is going to do when he arrives is seek out the person in charge and thank her for that hand she gave him back on June 22, 1986 against those hapless Engerlander cunts.

Innit?

Sic Transit Gloria Mundi!

Stercore foraminis

It's a shame that President Trump isn't the president of one of those countries in that shithole-of-a-continent, Africa.  On November 3, he would have won all of the possible Electoral College Votes available to win while simultaneously garnering 98.7 percent of the popular vote!

And.....

The result of the vote would have been known in it's entirety on November 2!

S.C.R.O.T.U.S.

Despite her being a child abuser(1) and an over-all cunt, ya gotta admit: 'Amy Coney Barrett' is a great name for a Justice in the Supreme Court of the 'Probably-not-ever-going-to-be-great-again' (2) United States of America.

Innit?

(1)  Raising a child as a catholic, even in a lax catholic environment, is a proven form of child abuse.

(2)  Best y'all start learnin' Mandarin.

Be sure to click on the title.

P.S.  If'in' she does gets herself confirmed, y'all can kiss Roe v. Wade goodbye.  I reckon, however, there'll be plenty of bucks to be made in the Frozen Wastelands of Soviet Canuckistan by opening  a few more border-hugging  'No Foetus Can Beat Us' and 'You Make 'em...We Scrape 'em'' Franchises.  Innit?  The Tutor and I are already taking classes, just in case, to learn how to speak 'American' so we might be understood by those poor Yankee souls.

This City Was Built On ............

White folks just don't do good music,

Innit?

And they can't fucking dance either.

 

Love's Lost

A lot more of me than I care to admit, not to mention ill afford to lose, died today.

I am sad.

I reckon V.D., assuming she has heard the news, is wallowing vulva-deep in the bliss of schadenfreude and epicaricacy at my melancholy.

 

Mens sibi conscia pudendum

Me:  "You have drawn and sketched me near on a thousand times, Bilious.
With this monomania you have finally succeeded in giving me the 'unworldly simplicity and purity of aspect' I most assuredly deserve.  Are we happy?"

The Tutor:  "Anything for you, Guggums!"

Turritopsis dohrnii

Me:  "Do you think Alphonse Mucha could have made me immortal too?"

The Tutor:  "Probably.  In La Belle Époque even Les Fleurs du Mal such as yourself were capable of being immortalized.

Me:  "I am 'un nouveau frisson' indeed!"

Greenpeace Has No Financial Acumen

Oh dear!

Greenpeace sucks at Foreign Currency speculation.

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jun/16/greenpeace-loses-3m-pounds-currency-speculation

I sent the following email to them:

Dear Greenpeace Folks,

I was sorry to hear of your recent losses as a consequence of ill-advised Fiscal 2013 Euro exchange contracts.  Perhaps this rogue staff member in your International Finance unit at Amsterdam HQ was just a little too "ecological" and not enough "capitalist" in her/his approach?
In the future, may I suggest that y'all concentrate on your strengths, like saving the Earth and its denizens, and leave the financial stuff to those of us showing excessive talent in raping it and them?  And by 'it' and 'them', I mean the Earth and its denizens.
If you insist on playing with the filthy capitalist pigs, may I suggest investing in Pipelines and Big Oil?  You can't go wrong!  Or even in the newly robust Canadian baby Harp seal collection businesses  - they's goin' gangbusters of late - you know with very inexpensive Made-In-China Baby Seal truncheons available at every corner convenience store now.
Yins are sure to recoup your current losses in no time at all.  Here's an insider tip for you, Faroe Islands Cetacean Rendering Inc. is about to list on the NASDAQ in this year's most anticipated IPO.
Under the ever-so-cute sticker symbol, "MOBY", this FICR Inc. - pronounced "fish-cry" or "fuckery" - is sure to return 50 to 100 percent after its first day of trading alone.

Guaranteed!

Successful finance and attendant profit is an ugly business.
Why fight 'em when you can easily join 'em?


Regards,

Pudenda Non Grata


No response so far and no sense of humour either it would seem.

De Haut En Bas

The Tutor:  "My not-so-little missy, the model for Zulily full-figure accoutrement that you are, I must inform you."

Me:  "Another 'de haut en bas' prognostication from above?"

The Tutor:  "Yes.  If I might write something so obtuse and abstract that it could not be understood or at least, falsified, then I am not writing anything of import.  I stake my reputation on being true to the world as it is.  My great fear of intellectuals is a result of their propensity for abstraction and deracination – abstraction in their thinking and deracination in their lives."

Me:  "Nonsense!  Did you not deracinate me from Myanmar and a life of poverty and is your white-boy sexy-talk not certainly an abstraction?"

The Tutor:  "Your response appears to be full of the empty abstraction referred to above, and without any intellectual content.  And don't bother pointing out that my response doesn't have much of the latter either."

Me:  "You needn't worry that I might point out anything.  Phrasal verbs are an abomination unto the lesser known deities - especially those ending in a preposition(the verbs, not the deities).
Employing as you have, and then with certain egregious malice of intent actually concluding, a horrid phrasal verb with a vile preposition is something up with which Sir Winston and I will not put.  As for the quantity and quality of the latter, to which you referred earlier, I would never be so presumptuous to comment - I knows me my place, I does.  As to the former, to which you do not refer in the above, however, our word salads are awash in it.  But as far as empty abstraction goes, it's some of the best!  Innit?"