................................................I was once known as Aquarians Love To Fuck (ALT-F). I am now Vagina Dentata (VD)................................................


Wednesday

The Church of the Perpetually Impecunious VD

The other day I was walking down the High Street on my way to the Blacksmith's:

The Nice Man: "Excuse me Mam, would you like a free Personality Test?"

Me: "Thank you.  Very kind of you, but alas, I have no personality.  I'm boring as fuck."

TNM: "There's no need to be rude."

Me: "You're right there is no need, but it wasn't a question of need, it was more a question of want."

TNM: "What?"

Me: "Never mind.  This is Scientology, right?   And you are a salesman....... ermmmmm.......not-at-all-brainwashed proselytising adherent.  Yes?"
Pointing to the Scientology sign above the store front adjacent to where the two of us stood on the side walk.

TNM: "Ahhhhhh.....Yes?"

Me: "L. Ron Hubbard. Right?"

TNM: "Yes.  You've heard of him?  He is our Founder and Spiritual Guide."

Me: "Heard of him?  Are you mad?  That L. Ron guy changed my life!"

TNM: "That's wonderful."  His eyes lit up.   "How so?  Have you read any of Mr. Hubbard's works?  Did you visit our Website?  Facebook Page?"

Me: "Stalk Tom Cruise's Twitter Feed?   No, but I have been meaning to do all of that for some time now.  It's just I can't seem to find the proper-strength Over-The-Counter anti-emetic that I'll be sure to need.   Know what I mean?"

TNM: "Anti-emetic?"

Me: "Never mind.  About 5 years ago I listened to an old radio interview with Mr. Hubbard.  I happened upon it while researching Excremental Philosophies on the Internet for a seminar at which I was required to present a paper.  The man was well spoken and very insightful.  From this terrific, spell-binding interview, one particular declarative was epiphanous and hit me like a wooden-crate containing 200 kilos worth of unsold Dianetics paperbacks."

TNM: "We don't sell Dianetics.  We give it away for free.  What was it he said that changed your life?"

Me: "Well, and I quote from memory, 'If you want to get rich, start a Religion.'  I took his advice.  A wise man indeed."

TNM: "What?"

Me: "Would you like to come over to my place when you get off work for a free Personality Test and colonic irrigation with 18 molar H2SO4?  I have cookies!  Oh, and bring all your cash, and that of your relatives - and any loose change."

TNM: "Irri-what?  What kind of cookies?"

Me: "Oatmeal Raisin, but never mind.  You seem like a nice man, I would like to apologize for my rude words earlier, I've really no legitimate excuse.   I'd've(1) apologized earlier, but I'm cranky today.  You see, while watching television last night, I was browsing through the channels and came upon the FSM channel(2) - which was in the middle of streaming Battlefield Earth in HD.  I inadvertently tossed 'arf a brick at the screen and as a consequence that cluster of Body Thetans surrounding me got a tad perturbed.  It's like the Harrying of the North on my torso today - I'm so itchy.  I really loved that television too.  So I'm a little upset."

TNM: "What?"

Me: "Never mi.... ahhh... forget it.  I must dash now.   I've an initiation ritual for the latest batch of The Congregation For The Fiscal Preservation Of The Divine VD neophytes at the weekend and I still haven't purchased the new branding irons yet. Toodles!"

TNM: "Irons?"




(1) I'd've   I just love that double contraction.  I've no idea about its legitimacy, vis à vis The Queen's English, but I don't care, I love it.  And I just fucking adore adverbs, superlatives and the subjunctive case AND showing my readers, the cream of cunts that they are, how clever I am.

(2) Fucking-Shite-Movie channel.  The hyphens indicate that the compound adjective fucking shit is modifying the noun movie, not the noun channel.
The Channel is only fulfilling its mandate.  I can't fault it.




UPDATE

It has been brought to my attention - by The Tutor, of course - that this missive is only remotely funny, and to discern what little levity there is, requires in the reader a certain level of knowledge concerning the dogma of The Church of Scientology.  Fair enough, he's right, but I pixellate with the express understanding that my readership possesses this level of knowledge and cognition.  If a reader does not and is upset that I do not provide hyper-links for words and phrases I would suspect would require them if I was communicating with readers of that calibre - like as if I would deign to pixellate word-salads for people with that level of cognition and knowledge in the first place - they can fuck off.
Nothing personal.  You understand.

1 comment:

E. Rosewater said...

oatmeal raisin cookies are excellent if they contain more sugar than oatmeal.