The Nice Man: "Excuse me Mam, would you like a free Personality Test?"
Me: "Thank you. Very kind of you, but alas, I have no personality. I'm boring as fuck."
TNM: "There's no need to be rude."
Me: "You're right there is no need, but it wasn't a question of need, it was more a question of want."
Me: "Never mind. This is Scientology, right? And you are a salesman....... ermmmmm.......not-at-all-brainwashed proselytising adherent. Yes?"
Me: "L. Ron Hubbard. Right?"
TNM: "Yes. You've heard of him? He is our Founder and Spiritual Guide."
Me: "Heard of him? Are you mad? That L. Ron guy changed my life!"
TNM: "That's wonderful." His eyes lit up. "How so? Have you read any of Mr. Hubbard's works? Did you visit our Website? Facebook Page?"
Me: "Stalk Tom Cruise's Twitter Feed? No, but I have been meaning to do all of that for some time now. It's just I can't seem to find the proper-strength Over-The-Counter anti-emetic that I'll be sure to need. Know what I mean?"
Me: "Never mind. About 5 years ago I listened to an old radio interview with Mr. Hubbard. I happened upon it while researching Excremental Philosophies on the Internet for a seminar at which I was required to present a paper. The man was well spoken and very insightful. From this terrific, spell-binding interview, one particular declarative was epiphanous and hit me like a wooden-crate containing 200 kilos worth of unsold Dianetics paperbacks."
TNM: "We don't sell Dianetics. We give it away for free. What was it he said that changed your life?"
Me: "Well, and I quote from memory, 'If you want to get rich, start a Religion.' I took his advice. A wise man indeed."
Me: "Would you like to come over to my place when you get off work for a free Personality Test and colonic irrigation with 18 molar H2SO4? I have cookies! Oh, and bring all your cash, and that of your relatives - and any loose change."
TNM: "Irri-what? What kind of cookies?"
Me: "Oatmeal Raisin, but never mind. You seem like a nice man, I would like to apologize for my rude words earlier, I've really no legitimate excuse. I'd've(1) apologized earlier, but I'm cranky today. You see, while watching television last night, I was browsing through the channels and came upon the FSM channel(2) - which was in the middle of streaming Battlefield Earth in HD. I inadvertently tossed 'arf a brick at the screen and as a consequence that cluster of Body Thetans surrounding me got a tad perturbed. It's like the Harrying of the North on my torso today - I'm so itchy. I really loved that television too. So I'm a little upset."
Me: "Never mi.... ahhh... forget it. I must dash now. I've an initiation ritual for the latest batch of The Congregation For The Fiscal Preservation Of The Divine VD neophytes at the weekend and I still haven't purchased the new branding irons yet. Toodles!"
(1) I'd've I just love that double contraction. I've no idea about its legitimacy, vis à vis The Queen's English, but I don't care, I love it. And I just fucking adore adverbs, superlatives and the subjunctive case AND showing my readers, the cream of cunts that they are, how clever I am.
(2) Fucking-Shite-Movie channel. The hyphens indicate that the compound adjective fucking shit is modifying the noun movie, not the noun channel.
It has been brought to my attention - by The Tutor, of course - that this missive is only remotely funny, and to discern what little levity there is, requires in the reader a certain level of knowledge concerning the dogma of The Church of Scientology. Fair enough, he's right, but I pixellate with the express understanding that my readership possesses this level of knowledge and cognition. If a reader does not and is upset that I do not provide hyper-links for words and phrases I would suspect would require them if I was communicating with readers of that calibre - like as if I would deign to pixellate word-salads for people with that level of cognition and knowledge in the first place - they can fuck off.